adieu, mon petit souvenir

Dear Bebe,

it broke my heart when I saw that yours didn't have a beat anymore

I have been thinking for weeks about all the things I was most looking forward to doing with you and because of you - looking at everything with a new perspective.  Having you was like having hope grow inside of me. These are some of the memories and things I will miss -

how we were going to tell people you were coming

telling your Daddy at Christ Cathedral about you

taking you to the zoo

holding you and feeding you and bathing you and snuggling with you

your Grandpa bringing you donuts every Saturday morning

Dragging you along on all the crazy trips we take - I was especially looking forward to dressing you in your Oxford onesie and telling you how I had already taken you all over England, France and Washington, D.C.  Having you with me in those places made it even that much more special to me. 

Having you without feeling the need to buy a bunch of baby gear - I knew you were going to be a beautiful, simple creature, coming into the world with nothing and needing little more than my love.   

taking you trick-or-treating

taking you to the park

giving your dad a son to carry on the family name

every time I opened  my jewelry box and saw your picture there I'd say "hi baby!" and how I thought it was kind of silly - like you were in my jewelry box and not inside me

smelling the baby blankets I had found and washed and thinking about how I would wrap you in them and how good you were going to smell

the feeling of you growing inside of me

I was so happy.  I was so excited that your Daddy and I were getting to do this together. 

I'm very sad now that you are going to leave me, but I'll be ok.  I'm going to love you every second you get to stay inside of me until I have to let you go out into the Universe of my fantastical imagination where I have to believe that little angel babies go to play with other little angel babies.  I'm not going to believe that the God who let you be created was a mean God when he took you from me.   This was just what was supposed to happen.  And after I have to let you go from my body, I will never ever let you go from my heart.

Goodbye, my sweet little baby.  I will never get to touch you and hug you and hold you and love you like I get to do with my other "babies" - my love for you will have to be different, but it will always be present.

Love,
your Mommy
xoxoxo